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When we think of pressure we often think of the external voices that tell us what we should or must do. These external voices comprise of our family members, friends and the society at large. While it is important to recognise that external pressure exists and gain tools to cope with the same (let me know if you would like a blog post on that), I feel that the conversation on internal pressure often gets left behind.
Internal pressure stems from our thoughts, beliefs and expectations of ourselves. It’s related to the goals we set and whether we achieve them or not. In most cases, the pressure comes up when we 'fail' to meet these goals and expectations. A prime example would be the expectation that one will get a job immediately after graduation. Now while this does happen for some people, it doesn’t happen for the vast majority. An individual with high internal pressure may feel overwhelmed (not because there are external expectations on them but because they have ‘failed’ to meet their desired goal).
Allow me to clarify, the difference between external pressure and internal pressure is that internal pressure is self-imposed. Your family and friends may not necessarily have expressed expectations of you, but you feel the pressure nonetheless because it’s related to how you see yourself and how you see your life going. Whereas with external pressure, the people around you constantly make it known that they have certain expectations of you and how your life should go. Also, internal pressure is characterised by 'should', 'must' and 'have to' statements i.e. "I should be married by the time i’m 27", "I always have to be on time", "I must be a millionaire by the time I’m 30" (okay, that last one was a bit too close to home). While each of these statements represent positive things i.e. being on time, getting married and becoming a millionaire, the use of 'should', 'must' and 'have to' make it seem compulsory. They take away room for you to change your mind or achieve your goals beyond the specified timeline.
Don’t get me wrong it’s good to have goals and to work towards them but if they are so rigid and set in stone that you don’t leave room for error or room for change then they take away the flexibility that is needed in this uncertain world. Because the truth is, things don’t always go according to plan, they may not always fall into place how you foresee them. As much as we plan and we have goals, there needs to be room for the unexpected. We need to learn to adjust. Adjusting, doesn’t mean you won’t get there. The timeline may be delayed but isn’t the end goal the same? If you get married at age 30 (a little later than 27) aren’t you still married? If you arrive late once in a while, didn’t you still show up? If you become a millionaire at age 40, aren’t you still a millionaire? 'Should', 'must' and 'have to' statements imply that because something is delayed, it won’t get there. This is not always the case. You can achieve all that you want to, believe in yourself and trust in the process. They can also bring on feelings of shame and guilt (read my post on navigating guilt to learn how to overcome it).
So how do we move away from 'should', 'must' and 'have to' statements?
By going deeper and asking ourselves what we actually want. If we are being honest, some of the goals and expectations we have of ourselves were set before we knew better. When I was younger, people would always ask me where I would see myself in five years. There are some things I have achieved and some I haven't. However, I had to introspect and analyze whether I actually wanted to achieve some of the things I had envisioned. So, check in with yourself, reflect, find out whether you still want to work towards the goals that you have set. If you do not, feel free to look into how you can make necessary changes to live the life you want.
Secondly, leave room for uncertainty. As you write the book that is your life, make sure you leave some blank pages. Why? Because, despite your goals and expectations for yourself, you live in a world where the only constant is change. The blank pages mean room to grow and room to evolve. As you reflect and ask yourself what you really want, these blank pages come in handy as they provide space for you to redefine your path and make necessary adjustments. Remember that simply because you haven’t achieved what you wanted by now, it doesn’t mean that you never will.
Practice positive self-talk. You are the only person who is with you 24 hours 7 days a week. How you talk to yourself matters and ultimately shapes how you see yourself. When you fail to meet your own expectations, what do you say to yourself? Is it encouragement to keep moving forward or do you notice that you turn on yourself and put yourself down? If it’s the latter, this is your reminder to be kind to yourself. Extend some grace to yourself. Yes, you have big plans for your life but you need you to get there ... kicking yourself when you’re down won’t help.
In case you are struggling with managing internal pressure and would like support, feel free to reach out to me today and book a free 30 minute consultation. Remember, to keep making steps to move forward. You have the ability to achieve everything you want to, it may not happen within your timeline but you will get there. Have a lovely week ahead and stay intentional.
(PS: Check out my other posts on understanding vulnerability and imposter syndrome. Subscribe to my blog to get notified every time I post and follow me on my social media handles to keep in touch.)
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