Who do you need to forgive?

In our interactions with people, we often find ourselves stepping on each other’s toes; literally and figuratively. In one way or another, we offend those around us and we get offended by them. Forgiveness is typically defined as the act of letting go; letting go of past pain, past wrong doings and past disappointments. If you ever research forgiveness, you will find various articles on how forgiveness sets you free; how holding on to past hurts doesn’t affect the other person and how you need to reclaim your power by letting go and choosing to learn from the past.

If I am being honest, I agree with those sentiments. In my opinion, forgiveness has never been about the other person and if I could go further, I would say that it's not a must for you to involve them along the way. Why? Because it is a personal journey. Your feelings and emotions are your own and they are valid. However, when we say that forgiveness hinges on the other person coming to apologise or recognizing their wrong then we shift the responsibility from us to them. We make this personal journey of forgiveness a reaction to their behaviour as opposed to an active choice we make. So like the various articles on forgiveness, I concur that forgiving others is key to our own liberty, because when we forgive and let go we do not let the pain control us and we do not let the other person’s behaviour dictate how we react.

While forgiving others is a very important topic and I will do a post on that very soon. I would like to focus on self-forgiveness; the act of letting yourself off the hook. In various ways, we let ourselves down and we disappoint ourselves. We tend to judge ourselves and can sometimes be very harsh towards ourselves. We speak negatively about ourselves and we let others treat us in ways that we do not deserve. We invalidate our own emotions and we make ourselves small for the sake of others. We repeat other people’s negative narratives about us and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We focus on all of our flaws and disregard the uniqueness that we bring to the table. Essentially, we sometimes inflict pain on ourselves; through the way we speak to ourselves and the way we let others speak to and treat us.

The truth is, sometimes we don’t even recognize the amount of pain we carry until we begin to reflect and introspect. I like to say this to my clients (and if you’ve read my blogs you’ve probably heard it too) “you’re the only person who is with you 24/7”. How we talk to ourselves matters. How we see ourselves matters. How we present ourselves to the world matters and essentially, how we let others treat us matters. It all matters.

Self-forgiveness for me, begun when I started to acknowledge the role I played in my pain. I had to be very honest with myself about how I spoke to myself, how I let others treat me and the boundaries I needed to put in place to make sure that I created a safe environment within myself. It was not an easy journey and it took a lot of unlearning and relearning. But I would say that it was 100% worth it because I started to be freer with myself and to allow myself to take up space. I won’t lie and say that this journey has an end. It doesn’t. The same way that we practice forgiveness in regards to the people around us is the same way we practice it to ourselves. We take it day by day and we have open and honest conversations about how we make ourselves feel. Then we make changes, we see how we can do better so that we are comfortable in our own skin and comfortable spending time with ourselves in that safe space we have created.

So, I do not know your story and I do not know what you have been going through. However, I do know that extending grace towards yourself can be very healing. We often focus on being kind to others and forget that we need to be kind to ourselves as well. Also, the feeling that you ‘should have known better’ can creep up along the way; as you open the Pandora’s Box that is past pain. So I would just like to remind you that you are here, living this life and learning on the job. There is no manual for how you ‘should have’ acted 10 years ago. There is only the present. So knowing what you know now, how can you make changes for the future? How can you create space for yourself to heal? How can you pour more love into yourself? How can you extend grace to yourself through the ups and downs that life will bring?

In case you would like support as you navigate the journey that is self-forgiveness, feel free to reach out to me today and book a free 30 minute consultation. Remember, that your feelings are valid. You are allowed to take up space and you are allowed to go within and create a safe envrionment where you feel loved, accepted and appreciated. Have a lovely week ahead and stay intentional.

(PS: Check out my other posts on managing internal pressure and understanding vulnerability. Subscribe to my blog to get notified every time I post and follow me on my social media handles to keep in touch.)